Doubt.

 A moment ago, the doorbell rung, and I got up to see who it was, and it was an ex-co-worker. What do you call a friend/coworker who you used to work with for years? Friend? Past co-worker? Because ex co-worker doesn't sound kind. I bought some chocolates to support his daughter's school fundraiser and he was dropping them off. I wasn't expecting him, I was expecting his wife and to no fault of his own, he triggered me and made me feel all the emotions I felt about four months ago. I felt an immense guilt, sadness, frustration, and conflicted. This is beside the point, but you know how in the movie Inside Out, each human has their 5 common emotions, and the primary emotion that the character identifies with controls the machine the most and they are centered in the middle? I believe mine is sadness. For some reason I am recognizing that about myself, and I have been trying to understand why for the last 4-6 months. 

About 6 months ago, I was driving home from my then workplace and I had to drive on the freeway. All of a sudden, I experienced my first panic attack while driving. My throat felt like it was closing in, my hands got cold and sweaty, I started sweating even though I was a little cold. I felt lightheaded and I felt this pressure on my chest. I called my cousin, and I told her what I was feeling, and her response was "whatever you are thinking in your head, tell it "Fuck it" and then she told me she loved me, and she assumed my panic attack had to do with motherhood and I know now that motherhood was not my trigger. She continued to say that motherhood has its hard days, but to push through and to know that at the end of the day, I am doing my best. I have never experienced a panic attack and I hate them so much. I hate feeling afraid of something that still hasn't happened. The anticipation really scares me. 

I used to love being an educator. I loved waking up each morning, getting ready to see my students, my families, and my co-workers. The interactions I would have with my students were hilarious. 50% of our lesson together was us making fun of each other, but that is how you get along with middle and high schoolers. Pre-teens are so odd, and I love it. I had a student call me "mom" way before I became a mother, I had a student who would say hi to me from miles away so funny because his name was actually Myles. I had two students who would come to my classroom around lunchtime to "chismear" (gossip) and they would give me all the high school tea that was going on and it would bring me joy that their biggest stressors currently were how to text back their crush in a way that doesn't make them sound desperate but also sound chill. Those two girls would ask ME for advice, I found that even more hilarious. I had a father that would share with me where to get the best French fries because he goes from restaurant to restaurant to try and find the best burgers and fries, he remembered that I said at an IEP once that I am obsessed with French fries, and I argued that McDonalds fries are way better than in-n-out fries. I miss those moments so much and here is where the self-doubt hits me HARD. Seeing my friend this evening, even if it was for a few seconds, made me miss all of that. I gave him a hug and I wanted to say "say hi to the kids for me" but I also felt like I had no right to say that to him after all he was one of my co-teachers and I left him two months in after the new school year started, but I simply couldn't take the pressure anymore. I know now that that initial panic attack was connected to my job and how I was feeling then. 

All I wanted to do was see my students, support them in a way that I knew best. Support my families, but certain people expected too much of me and I knew I was going to fail based on the caseload I had, there was no way I was going to succeed and meet all their expectations and they kept prioritizing other "items on the agenda" instead of really focusing in on the one thing we should have put all of our energy in which was how to best support our students. We would ask for support with a certain case and individuals from Home Office would visit us for a day and "implement strategies" for that one day and then leave and nothing would change the next day or the day after that. I have never felt more like a failure in my whole life than I did in those two months and what I can't get over is how I failed those families of my last caseload there. I was having lunch a few Saturdays ago with my family at a local sandwich shop here in my hometown and a former parent came in and I kept hiding my face because I felt so ashamed that I up and left her son with minimal support. 

Also, since I am on the theme of being raw and honest, the organization failed me when it came to their motto of "we're a family here". My last week there only the people in my department bid me farewell with a very sweet lunch and then maybe three other teachers gave me a tight hug goodbye and wished me luck on my future plans, and as I walked past certain people in the parking lot, I hoped for a wave goodbye from them and nope...they behaved as if they didn't see me and most of the people in that group I have worked with since the very beginning and I know they were so disappointed with my choice of leaving, but I was not expecting THAT from them. I thought we were "family". 

And so, with all that said I do still doubt my decision, but only because I knew that joy that I once felt at my job of almost 10 years was genuine. I felt it when I saw my friend earlier. He is a great person to work alongside with, a one-of-a-kind educator that kids will be so lucky to have as a teacher. The job I have now is stress free and it compliments my mom life so well, but it does not give me the same fulfillment, the feeling that I am truly making a difference. I don't sense their happiness because it is through a computer screen. It will do for now until my babies are old enough or to the point where they are all in school. 

Thank you for reading this far. Journaling has always been a great form of therapy for me. It instantly makes me feel slightly better and I forgot that I had this outlet to express what I am feeling in the moment. Once I click on that "publish" button, it might not get readers and that is okay, I just want to get to that place where I feel lighter, to a place where I can stop doubting myself. 

Be safe out there and stay dry. 

With love,

Ale

Bliss & Grief

 It’s been a minute as my middle school students would say. That’s what twins do to you. You have zero time to yourself and when you do have time you rather shower or eat or just sit and do nothing. I haven’t written anything on here since May of 2020 and a lot has happened since then.

Here’s an update for those who are interested:

1. S & V turned 2 last February and the level of difficulty has lessened. It’s a different type of difficulty now. When they were newborns, I was hardly hanging on. V was born with a cleft lip and palate and I felt like I was choking her every time I fed her. It was horrible. So many friends and family came over to help me in the first two years of their lives and I want to share their names so the world knows just how much it meant to me, so thank you to Veronica, Maria, Brenda, Rosa, Yolanda, Kate, Rachel, Erin, Jessica, Tía Pilar, and Tía Julia, and of course my parents, siblings, and in-laws who continue to support us. Also, before I forget, I’m grateful to my mommy community on both IG and Facebook. Their encouraging comments sometimes are the only thing that pushes me to stay positive, especially on my bad days. It really does take a village and more. I have no idea how I would have survived without you all, so thank you for coming to my rescue. They are a little over 2 and a half now. Violet imitates everything she hears. She has the sweetest voice and she makes the funniest expressions. She’s still my cuddly one and I love when she sits next to me almost every night and holds my arm as we watch Bluey. Scarlett still isn’t talking much, but we are seeing people to help with that. She’s so close. I pray it’ll all starts connecting for her soon. I’m hoping I can throw them a birthday party for 2022. I’m thinking a Blues Clues theme, that’s probably their second favorite show after Bluey. Also, they are the best big sisters. They love on their baby brother every day and I’m so grateful that they adapted so well to the big change of adding a new little person to our family.
2. Emma started TK and I cried for about 3 days. She’ll be 5 in about a month. She loves school. She’s been ready for the past year. She’s making new friends and learning so much. I wanted to throw a birthday party for her but it seems like we’ll have to wait until next year. I’m not comfortable with how things are going right now with cases rising, now with children. It’s so discouraging to see this happening again. I pray for my family’s health and that we are kept safe from it all. It sucks that we have to make certain sacrifices but it’s for our health and safety and we’ll still make it special for her. I still can’t believe I’ll have a 5-year-old. My first baby. That’s what I call her now. She hugs me so tight every morning and says “te Quiero, te amo, sleep tight” every night. She’s absolutely obsessed with her little brother. She tells him she loves him every day and calls him “my little boy”. It’s the sweetest moment to witness. There’s a reason why she was born first and it’s because she has a heart of a big sister. We’ve been stuck in our home a lot since the start of the pandemic but one thing that I am grateful for is witnessing how my girls have grown and how they are so different from one another but yet can work well together (when they want to).
3. Luke. Our last baby was born in June of this year. I was in shock when I discovered I was pregnant. It was really a big shift to my mentality. Before finding out I was pregnant I have accepted the fact that we were having no more children. I was in grief actually because I so wanted a boy, but I had accepted it and was trying to move on and focus on my girls, then BAM, surprise! I’m pregnant. Then finding out that it was a boy felt like it was a message from God Himself. It was all meant to happen this way. This was God's plan and I will be forever grateful. He knows how much I wanted Luke. It’s been blissful since bringing him home. The girls are so in love with him. Also, he’s such an easy baby. He is nothing compared to his sisters. It made the adjustment from a family of five to a family of six a lot smoother. When I was a little girl, I would always say to anyone that I wanted four kids and I got what I always dreamed of. Emma, Scarlett, Violet, and Luke, you are my purpose in life and I know we have more hard days than good days, but I promise to raise you up with so much love, and our home and my arms will always be a safe haven for all of you. Daddy’s arms too, of course. I am loving watching you all grow. It brings me so much joy of the purest kind.
4. This last week my family suffered a tragic loss. A cousin of mine took his own life. He’s really my cousin’s husband, but all the memories I have from when I was little included him in it so I’ve always seen him as my cousin and family. All I can say is to check on your mental health as often as you can. It’s equally important as your physical health and if you need help, seek it. Normalize that receiving therapy is okay. I started seeing someone in 2011, it hasn’t been continuous, but I do get therapy when I’m able to and it helps me so much. Therapy, exercise (when I’m able to), reading and journaling, and surrounding myself with people with positive and joyous energy is my everyday treatment. My mind feels clean because of it. Please check on your friends and family. Initiate those conversations even if it’s uncomfortable. Your mind matters. You matter and I’m here for you if you need someone to just listen. If you are a person of faith, please pray for Henry’s soul with me and for his family.

As always, be kind to one another and stay safe.

With love,

Ale

Things that Emma say.

I really enjoy writing about this. Once I remember it brings me such joy and warmth and those are two definite feelings that I need more of currently.

Here are a few things of what I can recall of sayings or doings that Emma has done in the last few months:

1. Scarlett, you are in my SPACE!

2. Good Morning sisters!!! as she makes her grand entrance to their room every morning.

3. Mommy, after this bite can I have some juice please?

4. Mommy, I am pooping. You can go. (as she points to the door so I can leave and close it behind me). 

5. Me: "Emma!!!"

Emma: WHAAATT!

Me: You say, "Yes mommy?"

Emma: Yeessssss, Mommyyyyyyy"

6. Daddy, you going to work. Okay bye. Te amo.

7. Mommy, tomorrow I'm going to Grandma and Grandpa's and sleeping there. Okay?

8. Koopa can sleep with me in my room because I love him. Okay, Mommy? Not in your room. MY ROOM. Okay?

9. Mommy, I want waffles, sausage, and eggs and sausage and waffle. 

10. Me: Let's go out for our walk.

Emma: Yaaayyy!! When we come back, can I do ABC Mouse?

Me: Yes, you can do ABCMouse and finish a learning path. 

Emma: Okay! Then can I have screen time (she means Youtube Kids)?

Me Yes, but for 20 mins. 

Emma: Ok but for 30 minutes. Okay mommy?

11. Me: (points at our " what day is today" chart) What day is today?

Emma: BATHBOMB TUESDAY!!!

12. Me: Emma, what would you like for breakfast?

Emma: Chicken nuggets and fries please.

13. Me; Emma, what would you like for lunch?

Emma: Chicken nuggets and fries please.

14. Me: Emma, would would you like for dinner?

Emma: Chicken nuggets and fries AND a toy from donalds pleaseeee.

15. Mommy, Scarlett and Bilet (Violet) are playing with my toys.

Come here Scarlett and Bilet, here are the baby toys. You can play with these. Yes you can. (she speaks to them as if they are dogs). LOL

16. Emma attempts to pick up her sister to move her to the other side of the house. 

Me: Emma, what's the rule?

Emma: Don't pick up sisters. Only mommy and daddy can do that. Not Emma. It's not safe. 

17. Sees a Trolls toy commercial. 

Emma: Mommy, I want that toy!

Me: oh the Poppy toy?

Emma: No, I want the ROCK troll. Yea. ROCK!! (she got that from the new movie)

18. Mommy, I love you. (Comes closer and sits on my lap). Mommy, I love you so much. You are MY mommy. 

19. Mommy, wanna puzzle?

Me: Okay, let's do this one.

Emma: Okay. You sit down and watch me, okay? I do the puzzle and you watch. LOL

20. Referring to her daycare friends.

Mommy, Matias is best friends with Raul. That's okay because Sharon is MY best. She's MY Sharon. 

Anything that comes out of this little girls mouth makes me smile or laugh. I hope it made you smile and laugh as well.

Stay safe, stay healthy, and be kind to others.

With love, 

Ale

Letting go.

For the past 53 days, I have had moments where panic and anxiety tries to take over my mind and body. When I do sense them creeping I do something that I love like play with my daughter or dance and it goes away, but it tends to come back every night. I wish I could go to sleep around 10, but my mind starts racing and my eyes won't shut until about 1am. 

I hate the fact that there is so much uncertainty. I don't do well with the unknown. I like to be as prepared as I can and there is so much that is out of my control that it provokes so much anxiety. 

I also have a lot of fear growing inside. I fear for the lives of the ones I love the most. This virus is taking anyone, it doesn't matter what age, what color, if you are completely healthy or sick, it doesn't matter. It just takes you. A life that was perfectly fine back in December/January is gone in a week. 

Emma caught me crying a few weeks ago. She was like, "Mommy, it's okay. Don't be sad." and she hugged me and she didn't let go until I was okay. She shouldn't be doing that. I'm her parent. I should be comforting her. We shouldn't be going through something like this. She should be playing with her friends from daycare and being her three year old self and not having a care in the world.

I've had this blog as a draft since the beginning of April and back then I decided to not finish it and to not share it with anyone because I was afraid of the judgement of others. I changed my mind today. I don't want anyone to feel like they are alone in this. Writing about it is really helping me. It almost feels like I am letting go some of my fear, some of my anxiety. Not all of it, but some and it feels good. 

I pray that we see a solution soon. I pray and dream of the weekends where I laugh and cook and dance with my family and not have to worry about a dangerous and deadly virus trying to hurt the ones I love. I pray to see the nights where I can lay down and my mind is quiet and free from this everyday worry. 

In the meantime while we wait safely in our home. I want to express how much I miss my mom, my dad, my brother and sister, our friends. Our playdates. Our gamenights. My work family. My students. I miss seeing my daughters laugh and play with their grandparents. I miss it all. 

Until then, stay safe, stay healthy, and be kind to one another.

With love,

Ale

BIG SISTER ROLE

My Emma,

You have taken this BIG SISTER role with great ease and I know it hasn’t been easy for you to share Daddy and me or to share your toys to two little sisters who seem to follow your every move. You are too little to understand, but seeing your sisters want to be with you make me so happy because that means you inspire them. I still remember when you first locked eyes with Scarlett, you instantly smiled and told me, “mommy, baby??” and wiggled your body with excitement. I love how protective you were of Violet. You noticed her cleft lip and you would move things that were too close to her face because you didn’t want anything to hurt her “boo boo” more. I love how you always want to be involved in their monthly pictures and you’re always hugging one or the other. Scar and Vi are crawling now so I see you trying to distract them with as many toys and creating a border so they don’t crawl over to your side where the big girl toys are. Things are just now getting interesting because they are both mobile and I don’t think you like that much right now, but I know in due time you will love their company. Pretty soon I can see you three planning on how to get the cookies from the cupboard without mommy catching you. I love witnessing every sisterly moment. You were meant to be a big sister. I love you, my first born.

With love,
Ale

Happy FIRST Birthday, S & V

Happy FIRST Birthday to my little ladies, Scarlett and Violet. Somewhere in a mommy blog about twins, I read the following, “They chose you, you know. In Heaven. They choose who their parents will be. Your child’s soul chose you.” On my hardest days, I remind myself of this quote and that we were chosen. We were meant to have our two girls and they were meant for ME. It is so crazy to think how fast this year has flown by. I am so blessed for this day to celebrate them and what today and this year marks for all of us. Thank you to everyone who has helped our family. It truly truly truly takes a village and we are so lucky for the family and friends that have helped us along the way. Scar & Vi, thank you for choosing me over a million other mommies. Thank you for double the smiles, double the hugs and slobbery kisses, double the love and joy that you bring to my life every single day. I love you, forever and for always.

My Scarlett Sofia, my most vocal and always moving little lady. I love how you can see the love in your eyes when you look at your sisters, your daddy, or at me. I love how every time Emma screams you make a point to scream louder. You are quick to learn and are so determined to do something new. I love the look in your eyes when you realize you learned something new. You raise your eyebrows and your eyes get so big. Those moments are my favorite. You only allow a select few to know your true self. Your eyebrows and those dark hazel green eyes can give some serious death stares to people you are not as familiar with. I love how you gently lay your head on my shoulder and wrap your other hand around my neck. Currently, your kisses are bite-marks left on my shoulders, but how can I get mad at you when I know you are doing that out of love. You crawl as fast as you can wherever your big sister is and you want anything she is touching. You have always observed Emma since you were an infant. You want to be where she is. I love the moments where you crawl to your twin sister and pat her head (more like slaps her head right now), and most times Violet knows that you are attempting to show her affection and then you will smile at one another. I love witnessing this sisterhood between you and your sisters. I cannot wait to watch it grow and blossom. I love how you love Daddy’s beard and will kiss it and then your reaction is priceless because Daddy’s beard is so prickly, and yet you still go for more beard kisses. I love how you smile with your eyes and your laugh comes directly from your core. You even hold your belly when you laugh. I love being your mommy. Thank you for choosing me. Te quiero mucho.

My Violet Sofia, my sweet and resilient little one. I love how every morning you patiently wait for me to carry you out of your crib. You are very much aware that Scarlett gets the attention first or else she screams louder and you are perfectly okay with waiting. You are my most patient child out of the three and I thank God for that. I love how you do everything on your own pace. You do not let anyone pressure you or rush you. Your favorite spot is the living room floor and looking at your sisters. I think you are taking in all the information because one day you will shock us all and do everything at once due to all the mental notes you make as you look at everything and everyone. You are so smart and gentle. One of my favorite moments of us is when you were an infant, we would fall asleep on the couch, and you would have your hand on my hand or on my cheek. I hope those memories never leave me. You LOVE your blanket. You need it to fall asleep, which scares me and makes me check up on you every 20 minutes because you wrap them all over you like a snake. You used to do that with the placenta in the womb because we could never capture a good ultrasound picture because you were hugging it against your face. I love how you scrunch your nose when you smile. I instantly fell in love with the smile you were born with. I miss it, and we also instantly fell in love with your forever smile. Your resilience through your journey with being born with a cleft lip and palate has left us amazed. You breeze through all your doctor visits and you were smiling the day after your first surgery. My Vi, you are the most brave little person I have ever met. As your mommy, I should be the strong one, but it’s the other way around with us. I get my strength from you. I love being your mommy. Thank you for choosing me. Te quiero mucho.

With love,
Ale

Resolutions

I don't do resolutions, but what I do is list a few goals that I would like to see accomplished by the end of the year. I guess its the same thing as resolutions. I just don't like that word. Goals it is.

Here are my GOALS for 2020.

1. Date my husband more. I think I can count on ONE hand on how many dates we had last year. I mean, 2019 was a crazy and wild year for us, but I would like to have more moments with just Kevin and me.

2. Go on more family trips. I am not saying DISNEYLAND! I am more visualizing Casa de Fruta and places that are nearby and is filled with family fun. I would love to aim for one trip every other month. I think I am being unrealistic, but we shall see.

3. Eat healthier. Random fact: You have a body organ that I don't. It's just the gallbladder, but that means I need to TRY to eat healthier. Less fat. My doctor told me to cut the dairy and I laughed OUT LOUD in front of her face. I just love my dairy too much to give it up. I won't. I can't, but I can say farewell to spicy foods. That will be easy for me since I hardly eat spicy foods, but that also means I can never eat hot cheetos and that does make me teary-eyed. Here's to more salads and fruits and vegetables!

4. Establish an exercise regime that doesn't involve chasing toddlers or infants. I am thinking taking Koopa out for a walk as a family. That way the girls also have some form of exercise. Not right now though because it is freezing outside at all hours of the day. I am going to plan to do this in February.

5. Go to church. Take me church la la on the la la la. I do not know the words to that song, but you know what song I am referring to. Our church has been under construction for months now and I believe it will be complete soon. Parking has been nuts since the remodel has started and me and babies and a crazy parking lot. No thank you. To be real though, I feel a disconnect with my spiritual self and I don't like it one bit. I pray to God every night, but it is not enough for me. My goal is to try to go to mass once a month. It sounds realistic to me, for now.,

6. I would like to visit another state in the US with Kevin. So far, we have visited Nevada, New York, and New Jersey. I feel like this is the year to keep that list growing. Mama y Papa, cuidas a las bebes, si?

7. Have more family time with my cousins and relatives that I don't see much or maybe once a year. Before I was a mom, I would plan and love my random visits to see my cousin in San Jose or just go to Los Banos and visit with family as well. My babies need to meet all their cousins!

8. Grow as an educator. It's the little things like saying hello to every student of mine and good-bye. Praising them more. Having more real conversations with them. 2019, for me, was the year of catch-up since I was gone for so long because of my maternity leave I unconsciously put the paperwork first and students second and I never want to do that again. The paperwork will always be there the next day. Real moments with my students where they get my full attention is the goal for this year. My students deserve me at 100%.

9. Being okay with having the house be a mess. I blame the OCD. I cannot go to bed with a messy house. Sometimes I am awake past midnight because I am putting toys away or washing dishes and I need to be okay with not having a clean house ALL THE TIME. Sleep is far more important. I started on this goal today btw. I have not washed my one glass of milk I had about one hour ago. It is there sitting in the sink annnnnd now when I am done typing this sentence I will go and wash it. .......

I will start on that goal tomorrow. Baby steps.

10. Being a better version of myself to everyone. To my girls. To husband. To my parents. To my sister and brother. To my friends and family. To my In-Laws. To strangers. To my co-workers. To our furbabies. To the Wal-Mart cashier person. EVERYONE. I want to be kinder and be free to talk to them about anything. 2019 was the year of always moving. I felt like I was always on the go. I don't want this year to feel that way. I don't want to rush on anything. I want to cherish and absorb every moment I have with my loved ones.

That is all I can think of for now. Wish me luck!

With love,

Ale