I hate the fact that there is so much uncertainty. I don't do well with the unknown. I like to be as prepared as I can and there is so much that is out of my control that it provokes so much anxiety.
I also have a lot of fear growing inside. I fear for the lives of the ones I love the most. This virus is taking anyone, it doesn't matter what age, what color, if you are completely healthy or sick, it doesn't matter. It just takes you. A life that was perfectly fine back in December/January is gone in a week.
Emma caught me crying a few weeks ago. She was like, "Mommy, it's okay. Don't be sad." and she hugged me and she didn't let go until I was okay. She shouldn't be doing that. I'm her parent. I should be comforting her. We shouldn't be going through something like this. She should be playing with her friends from daycare and being her three year old self and not having a care in the world.
I've had this blog as a draft since the beginning of April and back then I decided to not finish it and to not share it with anyone because I was afraid of the judgement of others. I changed my mind today. I don't want anyone to feel like they are alone in this. Writing about it is really helping me. It almost feels like I am letting go some of my fear, some of my anxiety. Not all of it, but some and it feels good.
I pray that we see a solution soon. I pray and dream of the weekends where I laugh and cook and dance with my family and not have to worry about a dangerous and deadly virus trying to hurt the ones I love. I pray to see the nights where I can lay down and my mind is quiet and free from this everyday worry.
In the meantime while we wait safely in our home. I want to express how much I miss my mom, my dad, my brother and sister, our friends. Our playdates. Our gamenights. My work family. My students. I miss seeing my daughters laugh and play with their grandparents. I miss it all.
Until then, stay safe, stay healthy, and be kind to one another.
With love,
Ale
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