A moment ago, the doorbell rung, and I got up to see who it was, and it was an ex-co-worker. What do you call a friend/coworker who you used to work with for years? Friend? Past co-worker? Because ex co-worker doesn't sound kind. I bought some chocolates to support his daughter's school fundraiser and he was dropping them off. I wasn't expecting him, I was expecting his wife and to no fault of his own, he triggered me and made me feel all the emotions I felt about four months ago. I felt an immense guilt, sadness, frustration, and conflicted. This is beside the point, but you know how in the movie Inside Out, each human has their 5 common emotions, and the primary emotion that the character identifies with controls the machine the most and they are centered in the middle? I believe mine is sadness. For some reason I am recognizing that about myself, and I have been trying to understand why for the last 4-6 months.
About 6 months ago, I was driving home from my then workplace and I had to drive on the freeway. All of a sudden, I experienced my first panic attack while driving. My throat felt like it was closing in, my hands got cold and sweaty, I started sweating even though I was a little cold. I felt lightheaded and I felt this pressure on my chest. I called my cousin, and I told her what I was feeling, and her response was "whatever you are thinking in your head, tell it "Fuck it" and then she told me she loved me, and she assumed my panic attack had to do with motherhood and I know now that motherhood was not my trigger. She continued to say that motherhood has its hard days, but to push through and to know that at the end of the day, I am doing my best. I have never experienced a panic attack and I hate them so much. I hate feeling afraid of something that still hasn't happened. The anticipation really scares me.
I used to love being an educator. I loved waking up each morning, getting ready to see my students, my families, and my co-workers. The interactions I would have with my students were hilarious. 50% of our lesson together was us making fun of each other, but that is how you get along with middle and high schoolers. Pre-teens are so odd, and I love it. I had a student call me "mom" way before I became a mother, I had a student who would say hi to me from miles away so funny because his name was actually Myles. I had two students who would come to my classroom around lunchtime to "chismear" (gossip) and they would give me all the high school tea that was going on and it would bring me joy that their biggest stressors currently were how to text back their crush in a way that doesn't make them sound desperate but also sound chill. Those two girls would ask ME for advice, I found that even more hilarious. I had a father that would share with me where to get the best French fries because he goes from restaurant to restaurant to try and find the best burgers and fries, he remembered that I said at an IEP once that I am obsessed with French fries, and I argued that McDonalds fries are way better than in-n-out fries. I miss those moments so much and here is where the self-doubt hits me HARD. Seeing my friend this evening, even if it was for a few seconds, made me miss all of that. I gave him a hug and I wanted to say "say hi to the kids for me" but I also felt like I had no right to say that to him after all he was one of my co-teachers and I left him two months in after the new school year started, but I simply couldn't take the pressure anymore. I know now that that initial panic attack was connected to my job and how I was feeling then.
All I wanted to do was see my students, support them in a way that I knew best. Support my families, but certain people expected too much of me and I knew I was going to fail based on the caseload I had, there was no way I was going to succeed and meet all their expectations and they kept prioritizing other "items on the agenda" instead of really focusing in on the one thing we should have put all of our energy in which was how to best support our students. We would ask for support with a certain case and individuals from Home Office would visit us for a day and "implement strategies" for that one day and then leave and nothing would change the next day or the day after that. I have never felt more like a failure in my whole life than I did in those two months and what I can't get over is how I failed those families of my last caseload there. I was having lunch a few Saturdays ago with my family at a local sandwich shop here in my hometown and a former parent came in and I kept hiding my face because I felt so ashamed that I up and left her son with minimal support.
Also, since I am on the theme of being raw and honest, the organization failed me when it came to their motto of "we're a family here". My last week there only the people in my department bid me farewell with a very sweet lunch and then maybe three other teachers gave me a tight hug goodbye and wished me luck on my future plans, and as I walked past certain people in the parking lot, I hoped for a wave goodbye from them and nope...they behaved as if they didn't see me and most of the people in that group I have worked with since the very beginning and I know they were so disappointed with my choice of leaving, but I was not expecting THAT from them. I thought we were "family".
And so, with all that said I do still doubt my decision, but only because I knew that joy that I once felt at my job of almost 10 years was genuine. I felt it when I saw my friend earlier. He is a great person to work alongside with, a one-of-a-kind educator that kids will be so lucky to have as a teacher. The job I have now is stress free and it compliments my mom life so well, but it does not give me the same fulfillment, the feeling that I am truly making a difference. I don't sense their happiness because it is through a computer screen. It will do for now until my babies are old enough or to the point where they are all in school.
Thank you for reading this far. Journaling has always been a great form of therapy for me. It instantly makes me feel slightly better and I forgot that I had this outlet to express what I am feeling in the moment. Once I click on that "publish" button, it might not get readers and that is okay, I just want to get to that place where I feel lighter, to a place where I can stop doubting myself.
Be safe out there and stay dry.
With love,
Ale
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