Things that Emma say.

I really enjoy writing about this. Once I remember it brings me such joy and warmth and those are two definite feelings that I need more of currently.

Here are a few things of what I can recall of sayings or doings that Emma has done in the last few months:

1. Scarlett, you are in my SPACE!

2. Good Morning sisters!!! as she makes her grand entrance to their room every morning.

3. Mommy, after this bite can I have some juice please?

4. Mommy, I am pooping. You can go. (as she points to the door so I can leave and close it behind me). 

5. Me: "Emma!!!"

Emma: WHAAATT!

Me: You say, "Yes mommy?"

Emma: Yeessssss, Mommyyyyyyy"

6. Daddy, you going to work. Okay bye. Te amo.

7. Mommy, tomorrow I'm going to Grandma and Grandpa's and sleeping there. Okay?

8. Koopa can sleep with me in my room because I love him. Okay, Mommy? Not in your room. MY ROOM. Okay?

9. Mommy, I want waffles, sausage, and eggs and sausage and waffle. 

10. Me: Let's go out for our walk.

Emma: Yaaayyy!! When we come back, can I do ABC Mouse?

Me: Yes, you can do ABCMouse and finish a learning path. 

Emma: Okay! Then can I have screen time (she means Youtube Kids)?

Me Yes, but for 20 mins. 

Emma: Ok but for 30 minutes. Okay mommy?

11. Me: (points at our " what day is today" chart) What day is today?

Emma: BATHBOMB TUESDAY!!!

12. Me: Emma, what would you like for breakfast?

Emma: Chicken nuggets and fries please.

13. Me; Emma, what would you like for lunch?

Emma: Chicken nuggets and fries please.

14. Me: Emma, would would you like for dinner?

Emma: Chicken nuggets and fries AND a toy from donalds pleaseeee.

15. Mommy, Scarlett and Bilet (Violet) are playing with my toys.

Come here Scarlett and Bilet, here are the baby toys. You can play with these. Yes you can. (she speaks to them as if they are dogs). LOL

16. Emma attempts to pick up her sister to move her to the other side of the house. 

Me: Emma, what's the rule?

Emma: Don't pick up sisters. Only mommy and daddy can do that. Not Emma. It's not safe. 

17. Sees a Trolls toy commercial. 

Emma: Mommy, I want that toy!

Me: oh the Poppy toy?

Emma: No, I want the ROCK troll. Yea. ROCK!! (she got that from the new movie)

18. Mommy, I love you. (Comes closer and sits on my lap). Mommy, I love you so much. You are MY mommy. 

19. Mommy, wanna puzzle?

Me: Okay, let's do this one.

Emma: Okay. You sit down and watch me, okay? I do the puzzle and you watch. LOL

20. Referring to her daycare friends.

Mommy, Matias is best friends with Raul. That's okay because Sharon is MY best. She's MY Sharon. 

Anything that comes out of this little girls mouth makes me smile or laugh. I hope it made you smile and laugh as well.

Stay safe, stay healthy, and be kind to others.

With love, 

Ale

Letting go.

For the past 53 days, I have had moments where panic and anxiety tries to take over my mind and body. When I do sense them creeping I do something that I love like play with my daughter or dance and it goes away, but it tends to come back every night. I wish I could go to sleep around 10, but my mind starts racing and my eyes won't shut until about 1am. 

I hate the fact that there is so much uncertainty. I don't do well with the unknown. I like to be as prepared as I can and there is so much that is out of my control that it provokes so much anxiety. 

I also have a lot of fear growing inside. I fear for the lives of the ones I love the most. This virus is taking anyone, it doesn't matter what age, what color, if you are completely healthy or sick, it doesn't matter. It just takes you. A life that was perfectly fine back in December/January is gone in a week. 

Emma caught me crying a few weeks ago. She was like, "Mommy, it's okay. Don't be sad." and she hugged me and she didn't let go until I was okay. She shouldn't be doing that. I'm her parent. I should be comforting her. We shouldn't be going through something like this. She should be playing with her friends from daycare and being her three year old self and not having a care in the world.

I've had this blog as a draft since the beginning of April and back then I decided to not finish it and to not share it with anyone because I was afraid of the judgement of others. I changed my mind today. I don't want anyone to feel like they are alone in this. Writing about it is really helping me. It almost feels like I am letting go some of my fear, some of my anxiety. Not all of it, but some and it feels good. 

I pray that we see a solution soon. I pray and dream of the weekends where I laugh and cook and dance with my family and not have to worry about a dangerous and deadly virus trying to hurt the ones I love. I pray to see the nights where I can lay down and my mind is quiet and free from this everyday worry. 

In the meantime while we wait safely in our home. I want to express how much I miss my mom, my dad, my brother and sister, our friends. Our playdates. Our gamenights. My work family. My students. I miss seeing my daughters laugh and play with their grandparents. I miss it all. 

Until then, stay safe, stay healthy, and be kind to one another.

With love,

Ale

BIG SISTER ROLE

My Emma,

You have taken this BIG SISTER role with great ease and I know it hasn’t been easy for you to share Daddy and me or to share your toys to two little sisters who seem to follow your every move. You are too little to understand, but seeing your sisters want to be with you make me so happy because that means you inspire them. I still remember when you first locked eyes with Scarlett, you instantly smiled and told me, “mommy, baby??” and wiggled your body with excitement. I love how protective you were of Violet. You noticed her cleft lip and you would move things that were too close to her face because you didn’t want anything to hurt her “boo boo” more. I love how you always want to be involved in their monthly pictures and you’re always hugging one or the other. Scar and Vi are crawling now so I see you trying to distract them with as many toys and creating a border so they don’t crawl over to your side where the big girl toys are. Things are just now getting interesting because they are both mobile and I don’t think you like that much right now, but I know in due time you will love their company. Pretty soon I can see you three planning on how to get the cookies from the cupboard without mommy catching you. I love witnessing every sisterly moment. You were meant to be a big sister. I love you, my first born.

With love,
Ale

Happy FIRST Birthday, S & V

Happy FIRST Birthday to my little ladies, Scarlett and Violet. Somewhere in a mommy blog about twins, I read the following, “They chose you, you know. In Heaven. They choose who their parents will be. Your child’s soul chose you.” On my hardest days, I remind myself of this quote and that we were chosen. We were meant to have our two girls and they were meant for ME. It is so crazy to think how fast this year has flown by. I am so blessed for this day to celebrate them and what today and this year marks for all of us. Thank you to everyone who has helped our family. It truly truly truly takes a village and we are so lucky for the family and friends that have helped us along the way. Scar & Vi, thank you for choosing me over a million other mommies. Thank you for double the smiles, double the hugs and slobbery kisses, double the love and joy that you bring to my life every single day. I love you, forever and for always.

My Scarlett Sofia, my most vocal and always moving little lady. I love how you can see the love in your eyes when you look at your sisters, your daddy, or at me. I love how every time Emma screams you make a point to scream louder. You are quick to learn and are so determined to do something new. I love the look in your eyes when you realize you learned something new. You raise your eyebrows and your eyes get so big. Those moments are my favorite. You only allow a select few to know your true self. Your eyebrows and those dark hazel green eyes can give some serious death stares to people you are not as familiar with. I love how you gently lay your head on my shoulder and wrap your other hand around my neck. Currently, your kisses are bite-marks left on my shoulders, but how can I get mad at you when I know you are doing that out of love. You crawl as fast as you can wherever your big sister is and you want anything she is touching. You have always observed Emma since you were an infant. You want to be where she is. I love the moments where you crawl to your twin sister and pat her head (more like slaps her head right now), and most times Violet knows that you are attempting to show her affection and then you will smile at one another. I love witnessing this sisterhood between you and your sisters. I cannot wait to watch it grow and blossom. I love how you love Daddy’s beard and will kiss it and then your reaction is priceless because Daddy’s beard is so prickly, and yet you still go for more beard kisses. I love how you smile with your eyes and your laugh comes directly from your core. You even hold your belly when you laugh. I love being your mommy. Thank you for choosing me. Te quiero mucho.

My Violet Sofia, my sweet and resilient little one. I love how every morning you patiently wait for me to carry you out of your crib. You are very much aware that Scarlett gets the attention first or else she screams louder and you are perfectly okay with waiting. You are my most patient child out of the three and I thank God for that. I love how you do everything on your own pace. You do not let anyone pressure you or rush you. Your favorite spot is the living room floor and looking at your sisters. I think you are taking in all the information because one day you will shock us all and do everything at once due to all the mental notes you make as you look at everything and everyone. You are so smart and gentle. One of my favorite moments of us is when you were an infant, we would fall asleep on the couch, and you would have your hand on my hand or on my cheek. I hope those memories never leave me. You LOVE your blanket. You need it to fall asleep, which scares me and makes me check up on you every 20 minutes because you wrap them all over you like a snake. You used to do that with the placenta in the womb because we could never capture a good ultrasound picture because you were hugging it against your face. I love how you scrunch your nose when you smile. I instantly fell in love with the smile you were born with. I miss it, and we also instantly fell in love with your forever smile. Your resilience through your journey with being born with a cleft lip and palate has left us amazed. You breeze through all your doctor visits and you were smiling the day after your first surgery. My Vi, you are the most brave little person I have ever met. As your mommy, I should be the strong one, but it’s the other way around with us. I get my strength from you. I love being your mommy. Thank you for choosing me. Te quiero mucho.

With love,
Ale

Resolutions

I don't do resolutions, but what I do is list a few goals that I would like to see accomplished by the end of the year. I guess its the same thing as resolutions. I just don't like that word. Goals it is.

Here are my GOALS for 2020.

1. Date my husband more. I think I can count on ONE hand on how many dates we had last year. I mean, 2019 was a crazy and wild year for us, but I would like to have more moments with just Kevin and me.

2. Go on more family trips. I am not saying DISNEYLAND! I am more visualizing Casa de Fruta and places that are nearby and is filled with family fun. I would love to aim for one trip every other month. I think I am being unrealistic, but we shall see.

3. Eat healthier. Random fact: You have a body organ that I don't. It's just the gallbladder, but that means I need to TRY to eat healthier. Less fat. My doctor told me to cut the dairy and I laughed OUT LOUD in front of her face. I just love my dairy too much to give it up. I won't. I can't, but I can say farewell to spicy foods. That will be easy for me since I hardly eat spicy foods, but that also means I can never eat hot cheetos and that does make me teary-eyed. Here's to more salads and fruits and vegetables!

4. Establish an exercise regime that doesn't involve chasing toddlers or infants. I am thinking taking Koopa out for a walk as a family. That way the girls also have some form of exercise. Not right now though because it is freezing outside at all hours of the day. I am going to plan to do this in February.

5. Go to church. Take me church la la on the la la la. I do not know the words to that song, but you know what song I am referring to. Our church has been under construction for months now and I believe it will be complete soon. Parking has been nuts since the remodel has started and me and babies and a crazy parking lot. No thank you. To be real though, I feel a disconnect with my spiritual self and I don't like it one bit. I pray to God every night, but it is not enough for me. My goal is to try to go to mass once a month. It sounds realistic to me, for now.,

6. I would like to visit another state in the US with Kevin. So far, we have visited Nevada, New York, and New Jersey. I feel like this is the year to keep that list growing. Mama y Papa, cuidas a las bebes, si?

7. Have more family time with my cousins and relatives that I don't see much or maybe once a year. Before I was a mom, I would plan and love my random visits to see my cousin in San Jose or just go to Los Banos and visit with family as well. My babies need to meet all their cousins!

8. Grow as an educator. It's the little things like saying hello to every student of mine and good-bye. Praising them more. Having more real conversations with them. 2019, for me, was the year of catch-up since I was gone for so long because of my maternity leave I unconsciously put the paperwork first and students second and I never want to do that again. The paperwork will always be there the next day. Real moments with my students where they get my full attention is the goal for this year. My students deserve me at 100%.

9. Being okay with having the house be a mess. I blame the OCD. I cannot go to bed with a messy house. Sometimes I am awake past midnight because I am putting toys away or washing dishes and I need to be okay with not having a clean house ALL THE TIME. Sleep is far more important. I started on this goal today btw. I have not washed my one glass of milk I had about one hour ago. It is there sitting in the sink annnnnd now when I am done typing this sentence I will go and wash it. .......

I will start on that goal tomorrow. Baby steps.

10. Being a better version of myself to everyone. To my girls. To husband. To my parents. To my sister and brother. To my friends and family. To my In-Laws. To strangers. To my co-workers. To our furbabies. To the Wal-Mart cashier person. EVERYONE. I want to be kinder and be free to talk to them about anything. 2019 was the year of always moving. I felt like I was always on the go. I don't want this year to feel that way. I don't want to rush on anything. I want to cherish and absorb every moment I have with my loved ones.

That is all I can think of for now. Wish me luck!

With love,

Ale