Here are the thoughts that are consuming my brain and I share them in the hopes that I can finally be able to sleep after writing them down. I need my sleep.
Why am I hungry right now?
Should I eat?
If I eat, then I might need to use the restroom later and I rather sleep longer than eat.
I heard Scarlett cough a moment ago. I hope she’s not getting sick.
I need to get more Vick’s strips for the humidifier.
I need to get a second humidifier in case Emma and the twins are sick at the same time.
We have three thanksgivings this week. I need to ask what to bring for each dinner. Text them tomorrow. I hope they say pie or cider. Something easy and doesn’t involve cooking.
I need to balance my checkbook.
Do I have enough to get some formula tomorrow? Probably not.
Why are people mean? Even at my age and older, there are still people who purposely do mean things. Why?
I dislike bullying. What else can I do to address that with my students. How can I make a certain student of mine feel like there is a day without bullying?
I need to check times for Frozen 2. I can’t wait to see Emma’s reaction to the movie. I definitely need to go to Riverbank Galaxy again.
I need to update my calendar for December.
I haven’t started shopping for anyone. I hope Amazon has great deals for Black Friday to save some money.
Violet is not eating the same like Scarlett. I hope this doesn’t affect her weight progress for her next surgery.
Ugh. Her next surgery. I am not ready for that. I don’t know how I’ll be able to hand her over again to the nurse.
I need to make sure to bring her blanket this time around or her favorite toy.
Scarlett started crawling today. I need to get more baby gates out. I need to check Emma’s toys and put away anything too small in case Scar gets to it and chokes. I got to do that first thing in the morning.
When will Violet crawl? She has no interest in that at all. I hope that’s not a bad thing.
My throat has been itchy all day. Please God, keep me healthy.
Today was a good day with Emma. She didn’t throw any tantrums. Kevin and I must have given her just enough attention.
I miss when it was just Emma. I have to try harder and pay more attention to her. I don’t want her to think that she’s second/third in our list. I hope tomorrow is the same as today or better.
I love it when she comes to me and hugs me and says “my mommy”. It truly does change my day from dark to light.
I need to talk to Emma about farting in front of people that’s not our immediate family.
I need to text my brother and sister tomorrow. Check in on them. I can’t wait to see them on Friday.
I just want to sleep.
I hope this helps.
With love,
Ale
Tuesday, November 26, 2019
Saturday, October 12, 2019
Things that Emma say. Volume ???
Oh Emma. This is typically what I say in my head after any interaction with my oldest.
Here are a few things of what I can recall (my brain is not as quick as before) of sayings or doings that Emma has done in the last few months:
1. The following day after bringing S & V from the hospital, it was officially the first morning as a family of 5. Emma comes to the living room (which was the room that Kevin and I lived in for the first 4 months of our babies lives). So, Emma wakes up and sees Kevin feeding Violet. I get up and say, "buenos dias, Emma!" She looks at me and says, "buenos dias, mommy". Kevin says, "good morning, Emma" and she looks at him and gives him the stare of death. Man oh man, was she SUPER JEALOUS because Daddy was holding Vi. She could have killed him if she had laser eyes as a super power. She sat down on her big girl table, mind you, giving Kevin her back and ignored his morning greeting and said to me, "Mommy, breakfast please?". Kevin and I had to laugh out loud. Emma never behaves this way with her Daddy and for those of you who don't know, she is the biggest Daddy's Girl. It safe to say though that she is totally okay now. She was okay a few days after that, but that moment will forever be engraved in my long term memory box. I wish I could have recorded her death stare.
2. Emma's new found phrase, "Oh maaaaaannn" and she changes the 'a' sound to short a and long a in between saying her "maaaAAAaaan". If that makes any sense. I need to record her saying it. It is the cutest thing ever.
3. My brother and Kevin's sister relationship status has changed in the last few months/year and both individuals have been around Emma more than a few times and they are now included in Emma's prayers.She says their names right after "Tio Tono" and "Auntie Steph". My Emma has a big heart :)
4. When I was still pregnant with S & V, Emma was the one who ultimately made the final decision on their names. I was sitting on the couch and she runs up to my big belly and points to Baby B and says, "Violet" clear as a bell. Then, I proceeded to point to Baby A and ask her, "what's her name?' And Emma replied, "Dash!". For those of you who doesn't get the Disney reference, Emma got those names from The Incredibles, which we were actually watching The Incredibles 2 when this moment happened and I do have this on video :)
5. Emma calls her baby sisters her "babies". Her streak of jealousy only lasted one day, thank goodness.
6. Every morning as of lately, "Mommy, can I have breakfast please? I want eggs, waffle, and a sausage. Sausage, yeaaaaaa. Oh, and leche. Okay, mommy?"
7. Some days after dinner, "Mommy, can I have one cookie, puuuhhhleeeeaaase, just one?"
8. When I pick them up from daycare..."Where is Daddy? Oh. Daddy is working. Oh man."
9. Whenever I drop them off at daycare and I am about to leave..."Mommy, HUG!!!!!" and runs to me and gives me a tight hug, then says, "Ok Mommy, BYE!!!"
10. In regards to her sisters, "Scarlett is a silly goose" or "Mommy, Violet has stinky feet. Grossssss!" and giggles.
11. Dexter jumps on our kitchen counter which is a big No No and Emma catches him and says, "Dexter, NO! Bad Dexter. No No No No No!" and proceeds to run after him until he jumps off and then she slaps her knee and says, "no, Dexter. No jumping, No!". Yeah....she might have learned that from me. LOL.
12. This morning, Emma wakes up and says, "MORNING, I AM AWAKE!" and runs to Kevin and says, "Daddy, play car racing game, yes?" And Kevin moved pretty quickly to make Emma's wish come true. She is his daughter, that for dang sure.
13. Almost every day when I ask Emma what she wants for dinner, her response is almost always, "chicken nuggets!" and juice.
14. Every weekend morning, Kevin tries to have me sleep in a little while he takes care of the girls and Emma wakes up, comes to our room and says, "Mommy, Emma is awake and Mommy needs to wake up!" Mommy, wake up! Emma is awake!"
15. Whenever I ask her to clean up her messes, she says "No mommy" and sometimes she says, "No, thank you Mommy". At least she has manners. LOL
16. My Lucky Girl, my canine companion of +15 years passed away towards the end of March and I had to explain what that meant to Emma. The next day that Lucky passed Emma asked me, "Mommy, where is Lucky?" And we had our first conversation about death and Heaven. When I was done, Emma nodded her head and said, "Okay Mommy, Lucky is in Heaven, okay." And she never asked me about Lucky after that day. It still impresses me how quickly Emma catches on and understands things and deep things such as death.
17. We couldn't stay with our childcare lady once I had the twins because she didn't have the availability for my twins, so we had to change daycares and Emma asked for about a whole month. "Mommy, are we going to Tia Maria's today?" She missed her "Tia Maria" and her friends so much for so long and she still will ask for them every now and then. It's just proof of how loved she was there with you, Maria. I am forever grateful to you. Also, we found a great daycare here in Turlock where she is loved and taken care of as well (and her little sisters too).
That is all I can get out of my brain of mine for now. All of these memories bring a smile to my face and is a sole reminder of how blessed I am to be Emma's mother and I can't wait for S & V to start talking. I can only imagine how our family conversations are going to be in the near future.
Rest easy and sweet dreams.
With love,
Ale
Here are a few things of what I can recall (my brain is not as quick as before) of sayings or doings that Emma has done in the last few months:
1. The following day after bringing S & V from the hospital, it was officially the first morning as a family of 5. Emma comes to the living room (which was the room that Kevin and I lived in for the first 4 months of our babies lives). So, Emma wakes up and sees Kevin feeding Violet. I get up and say, "buenos dias, Emma!" She looks at me and says, "buenos dias, mommy". Kevin says, "good morning, Emma" and she looks at him and gives him the stare of death. Man oh man, was she SUPER JEALOUS because Daddy was holding Vi. She could have killed him if she had laser eyes as a super power. She sat down on her big girl table, mind you, giving Kevin her back and ignored his morning greeting and said to me, "Mommy, breakfast please?". Kevin and I had to laugh out loud. Emma never behaves this way with her Daddy and for those of you who don't know, she is the biggest Daddy's Girl. It safe to say though that she is totally okay now. She was okay a few days after that, but that moment will forever be engraved in my long term memory box. I wish I could have recorded her death stare.
2. Emma's new found phrase, "Oh maaaaaannn" and she changes the 'a' sound to short a and long a in between saying her "maaaAAAaaan". If that makes any sense. I need to record her saying it. It is the cutest thing ever.
3. My brother and Kevin's sister relationship status has changed in the last few months/year and both individuals have been around Emma more than a few times and they are now included in Emma's prayers.She says their names right after "Tio Tono" and "Auntie Steph". My Emma has a big heart :)
4. When I was still pregnant with S & V, Emma was the one who ultimately made the final decision on their names. I was sitting on the couch and she runs up to my big belly and points to Baby B and says, "Violet" clear as a bell. Then, I proceeded to point to Baby A and ask her, "what's her name?' And Emma replied, "Dash!". For those of you who doesn't get the Disney reference, Emma got those names from The Incredibles, which we were actually watching The Incredibles 2 when this moment happened and I do have this on video :)
5. Emma calls her baby sisters her "babies". Her streak of jealousy only lasted one day, thank goodness.
6. Every morning as of lately, "Mommy, can I have breakfast please? I want eggs, waffle, and a sausage. Sausage, yeaaaaaa. Oh, and leche. Okay, mommy?"
7. Some days after dinner, "Mommy, can I have one cookie, puuuhhhleeeeaaase, just one?"
8. When I pick them up from daycare..."Where is Daddy? Oh. Daddy is working. Oh man."
9. Whenever I drop them off at daycare and I am about to leave..."Mommy, HUG!!!!!" and runs to me and gives me a tight hug, then says, "Ok Mommy, BYE!!!"
10. In regards to her sisters, "Scarlett is a silly goose" or "Mommy, Violet has stinky feet. Grossssss!" and giggles.
11. Dexter jumps on our kitchen counter which is a big No No and Emma catches him and says, "Dexter, NO! Bad Dexter. No No No No No!" and proceeds to run after him until he jumps off and then she slaps her knee and says, "no, Dexter. No jumping, No!". Yeah....she might have learned that from me. LOL.
12. This morning, Emma wakes up and says, "MORNING, I AM AWAKE!" and runs to Kevin and says, "Daddy, play car racing game, yes?" And Kevin moved pretty quickly to make Emma's wish come true. She is his daughter, that for dang sure.
13. Almost every day when I ask Emma what she wants for dinner, her response is almost always, "chicken nuggets!" and juice.
14. Every weekend morning, Kevin tries to have me sleep in a little while he takes care of the girls and Emma wakes up, comes to our room and says, "Mommy, Emma is awake and Mommy needs to wake up!" Mommy, wake up! Emma is awake!"
15. Whenever I ask her to clean up her messes, she says "No mommy" and sometimes she says, "No, thank you Mommy". At least she has manners. LOL
16. My Lucky Girl, my canine companion of +15 years passed away towards the end of March and I had to explain what that meant to Emma. The next day that Lucky passed Emma asked me, "Mommy, where is Lucky?" And we had our first conversation about death and Heaven. When I was done, Emma nodded her head and said, "Okay Mommy, Lucky is in Heaven, okay." And she never asked me about Lucky after that day. It still impresses me how quickly Emma catches on and understands things and deep things such as death.
17. We couldn't stay with our childcare lady once I had the twins because she didn't have the availability for my twins, so we had to change daycares and Emma asked for about a whole month. "Mommy, are we going to Tia Maria's today?" She missed her "Tia Maria" and her friends so much for so long and she still will ask for them every now and then. It's just proof of how loved she was there with you, Maria. I am forever grateful to you. Also, we found a great daycare here in Turlock where she is loved and taken care of as well (and her little sisters too).
That is all I can get out of my brain of mine for now. All of these memories bring a smile to my face and is a sole reminder of how blessed I am to be Emma's mother and I can't wait for S & V to start talking. I can only imagine how our family conversations are going to be in the near future.
Rest easy and sweet dreams.
With love,
Ale
Friday, October 11, 2019
S & V's Birth Story.
I wanted to write about my pregnancy with the twins. Believe me, I REALLY wish I could have just sat down and type away my stories like I did with Emma, but I've had ZERO time. When I do have down time, I pass out of the exhaustion. S & V are getting out of the baby baby stage, sleeping through the night (THANK YOU GOD!) and so is Emma and I am starting to feel a little more energized, a little more human.
For example, right now all three girls are sleeping and all tucked in in their beds and I don't feel like I am going to pass out! So I finally decided to crack these knuckles of mine and type away my story. Just a pre-caution, it is not a happy one and I do apologize for that. I really wish it could have been different, but this is my story and another side-note, it ends well and I am happy now.
"Oh goodness, I see here. Oh wow, okay. Two sacs", said my OB back in June of 2018. My response, "what do you mean TWO SACS? Doesn't that mean twins?. "YUP!", said my OB with such a happy tone in her voice. To be completely honest with my readers on here, I was not happy. Happiness was not the first emotion I felt when I was told I was having twins. I am sorry, God. You have blessed me in many ways, especially with the arrival of our twins, but I was not happy hearing those words. Fear and anxiety filled me. I was scared for my life. One of my first thoughts was "what if I die having them?" and "we can't afford TWINS". I was in pure shock for about 36 hours. I did not react. My mom was with me when I got the news and I could tell she was getting worried about me and bless her heart, she showed all the happiness for the both of us. I reflect back now and I am so glad that I brought my Mama with me. She shone the light that I needed at that moment. Gracias mama.
Fast forward 35 weeks and my pregnancy with S & V was not at all easy. I experienced pre-term labor at about 29 weeks and was put on bed rest per my doctors orders. Then, I wasn't really on "bed rest" because I had a 2 year old at home. Yes, being off of work did help tremendously, but then all my energy went to Emma which most days were harder than others.
It was February 19th and I walk into my hospital for my weekly check-up to monitor the babies heart rates and also to check my fluid levels AND I wasn't allowed to go home that day because the amniotic fluid for Baby V was significantly low compared to Baby S and for that reason I had to be monitored 24/7 and I could go home once my levels go back to normal (which they never did). The next day my levels were checked again and Baby V's fluid level dropped even more. They said to me that they were going to check the next morning and if it dropped again I was going to need an emergency c-section. C-SECTIONS. I thought getting a c-section was going to be the answer to my prayers, but looking back now, I REALLY WISH I could have had them vaginally. I already know how my body reacts to a vaginal birth and fortunately, I am one that bounces back really quickly. C-section really beat my body up and I am still suffering the consequences now, almost 8 months later. I really wish I could have done it vaginally. Anyway, back to my story, I was checked first thing the next morning and now Baby S's fluids have dropped, even lower than Baby V's. They called my doctor and told me that they are getting the OR ready for me. Panic started to consume me, but I tried my best to not show it. Kevin was not with me yet, because he was dropping off Emma with his dad. I was alone and I was so scared. All the bad thoughts were filling my head. I stopped and tried to control my breath and then I prayed. I asked my grandparents (all four of them) to protect my babies and me. I asked them to help me get rid of this fear and honest to God, I felt it. They never let me down. Kevin arrived and they rolled me into the OR.
The Operating Room is so cold and it smells like the cleanest room in the whole world. My anesthesiologist was behind me and numbed my whole body in seconds. The drugs he put in me lasted a whole day and a half afterwards. I know this because I did not feel any sensation in my legs or arms until the next day. I needed a nurse to help me hold my babies which broke my heart because I could not hold them the way I held Emma when I had her. Kevin was there and he was able to hold them and love them almost instantly and for that I am forever grateful. Scarlett came out crying, but Violet was silent which is one of the scariest moments of your life because everyone knows that's not a good sign. Thankfully, she started crying about 3 minutes after she was removed from my womb. The longest three minutes of my life. We were told that Violet might have complications due to her cleft lip and palate, so I was already stressing over that and that's a whole other post for another day, but for now, let me just say that my Vi is the tiniest warrior I have met. She is so resilient and I have learned so much from my 7 month old daughter.
Scar was born 6:04 and Vi was born 6:05 in the evening on February 21st, 2019. I was awake and looking at Kevin holding our tiny girls in his arms. Then, they took the girls and rolled them next to me and Kevin was told to wait in the lobby until I was ready. They rolled me out of the OR and down to the hallway, but still in the OR where it was just me, two nurses, and my babies next to me in their rolling cribs. I was starting to feel nauseous and I felt my heart beating slower than usual, so I told this to my nurse and they had to do some additional tests to make sure my heart was okay and to confirm it wasn't a reaction of any of the drugs I took and then I became very light headed. It was the worst. I was hoping that I was going to be myself again after the twins were out of me, but NOPE. I was paralyzed, nauseous, and sad because I was not able to carry my babies or do anything for myself for almost 24 hours. I wasn't lying when I said my pregnancy with S & V wasn't easy. Thankfully, I finally started to feel a little like myself by the next day and now we were playing the waiting game with the girls. They had to start gaining weight before being allowed to go home. This was a challenge for my girls, especially because they were preemies and Violet wasn't feeding well at all. We stayed at the hospital for four more days after my emergency c-section because of Violet and her struggles with feeding and gaining weight. Fortunately, she gained enough weight (barely) to be able to go home and I finally felt like I was able to breathe. I will never forget the relief I felt when I took my first step outside that hospital and breathed in the icy air. Just knowing that we were going home filled my heart with warmth and joy.
Sadly, a few weeks after having S & V, postpartum depression hit me and it hit me real bad. I was in a real dark place for a few months. Nothing brought me joy, not even my family which really hurts to say it out loud. I have never experienced that in my life and I pray to God that I never will. My doctor prescribed me anti-depressants, but that only made my panic attacks 100x worse and I would have moments of aggression (never towards my family). It was more towards myself. I called the suicide prevention hotline twice and I will forever be grateful to the young lady who listened to me the second time I called. She saved me. It makes me so sad that I was this way during the first months of my girls life. I wish I could have been more joyful. My doctors say that it was a chemical imbalance and my twins pregnancy is what triggered it. I am just so glad that it's over and it's behind me. I want to say thank you to my husband, my parents, my sister, my brother, and three of my friends Rachel, Sara, and Erin for getting me through that very dark time of my life. I am thankful to God. He always saves me. Even more-so, I am grateful for my beautiful daughters, they were the ones who ultimately got me through that. Their smiles and their being filled me with purpose.
Seven and a half months later, I can happily say that I am feeling more like myself with each passing day. I meditate everyday and I write in my journal. I call or text my mother everyday. I call my sister when I have an extra 10 minutes to spare. I watch my favorite shows This is Us and Dancing with the Stars, and now I am typing away my story. I do things that make me happy and I only surround myself with people who want that for me. I don't have the time or the energy to have people in my life who have shown negativity or created negative situations towards my family or directly to me. I didn’t realize it with Emma or maybe I was oblivious to it, but I know now who truly cares for my family and for my well being and those who don’t and I am okay with those changes, those drifts between friends and family. They all happen for a reason and you learn valuable lessons from them as well.
I know my story is not a good one or a happy story. I wish I could have been typing a beautiful birth story about my twins, but unfortunately, that wasn't my situation. I hope that by sharing my story, I bring hope to those who need it. I pray for all the Momma's that are expecting and for all the women that are already Momma's, in any shape or form. Our bodies are something else man, they are miraculous and so incredible when it comes to making life and carrying them for the time that we do. I also want to say that I am here for you, anyone who just needs an ear to listen. I won't say a word if you don't want me to. You are never alone.
I always like to end my stories on a good note/vibe and here is a picture of my girls. The ones who bring joy to my life everyday. I love you with all my being.
With love,
Ale
For example, right now all three girls are sleeping and all tucked in in their beds and I don't feel like I am going to pass out! So I finally decided to crack these knuckles of mine and type away my story. Just a pre-caution, it is not a happy one and I do apologize for that. I really wish it could have been different, but this is my story and another side-note, it ends well and I am happy now.
"Oh goodness, I see here. Oh wow, okay. Two sacs", said my OB back in June of 2018. My response, "what do you mean TWO SACS? Doesn't that mean twins?. "YUP!", said my OB with such a happy tone in her voice. To be completely honest with my readers on here, I was not happy. Happiness was not the first emotion I felt when I was told I was having twins. I am sorry, God. You have blessed me in many ways, especially with the arrival of our twins, but I was not happy hearing those words. Fear and anxiety filled me. I was scared for my life. One of my first thoughts was "what if I die having them?" and "we can't afford TWINS". I was in pure shock for about 36 hours. I did not react. My mom was with me when I got the news and I could tell she was getting worried about me and bless her heart, she showed all the happiness for the both of us. I reflect back now and I am so glad that I brought my Mama with me. She shone the light that I needed at that moment. Gracias mama.
Fast forward 35 weeks and my pregnancy with S & V was not at all easy. I experienced pre-term labor at about 29 weeks and was put on bed rest per my doctors orders. Then, I wasn't really on "bed rest" because I had a 2 year old at home. Yes, being off of work did help tremendously, but then all my energy went to Emma which most days were harder than others.
It was February 19th and I walk into my hospital for my weekly check-up to monitor the babies heart rates and also to check my fluid levels AND I wasn't allowed to go home that day because the amniotic fluid for Baby V was significantly low compared to Baby S and for that reason I had to be monitored 24/7 and I could go home once my levels go back to normal (which they never did). The next day my levels were checked again and Baby V's fluid level dropped even more. They said to me that they were going to check the next morning and if it dropped again I was going to need an emergency c-section. C-SECTIONS. I thought getting a c-section was going to be the answer to my prayers, but looking back now, I REALLY WISH I could have had them vaginally. I already know how my body reacts to a vaginal birth and fortunately, I am one that bounces back really quickly. C-section really beat my body up and I am still suffering the consequences now, almost 8 months later. I really wish I could have done it vaginally. Anyway, back to my story, I was checked first thing the next morning and now Baby S's fluids have dropped, even lower than Baby V's. They called my doctor and told me that they are getting the OR ready for me. Panic started to consume me, but I tried my best to not show it. Kevin was not with me yet, because he was dropping off Emma with his dad. I was alone and I was so scared. All the bad thoughts were filling my head. I stopped and tried to control my breath and then I prayed. I asked my grandparents (all four of them) to protect my babies and me. I asked them to help me get rid of this fear and honest to God, I felt it. They never let me down. Kevin arrived and they rolled me into the OR.
The Operating Room is so cold and it smells like the cleanest room in the whole world. My anesthesiologist was behind me and numbed my whole body in seconds. The drugs he put in me lasted a whole day and a half afterwards. I know this because I did not feel any sensation in my legs or arms until the next day. I needed a nurse to help me hold my babies which broke my heart because I could not hold them the way I held Emma when I had her. Kevin was there and he was able to hold them and love them almost instantly and for that I am forever grateful. Scarlett came out crying, but Violet was silent which is one of the scariest moments of your life because everyone knows that's not a good sign. Thankfully, she started crying about 3 minutes after she was removed from my womb. The longest three minutes of my life. We were told that Violet might have complications due to her cleft lip and palate, so I was already stressing over that and that's a whole other post for another day, but for now, let me just say that my Vi is the tiniest warrior I have met. She is so resilient and I have learned so much from my 7 month old daughter.
Scar was born 6:04 and Vi was born 6:05 in the evening on February 21st, 2019. I was awake and looking at Kevin holding our tiny girls in his arms. Then, they took the girls and rolled them next to me and Kevin was told to wait in the lobby until I was ready. They rolled me out of the OR and down to the hallway, but still in the OR where it was just me, two nurses, and my babies next to me in their rolling cribs. I was starting to feel nauseous and I felt my heart beating slower than usual, so I told this to my nurse and they had to do some additional tests to make sure my heart was okay and to confirm it wasn't a reaction of any of the drugs I took and then I became very light headed. It was the worst. I was hoping that I was going to be myself again after the twins were out of me, but NOPE. I was paralyzed, nauseous, and sad because I was not able to carry my babies or do anything for myself for almost 24 hours. I wasn't lying when I said my pregnancy with S & V wasn't easy. Thankfully, I finally started to feel a little like myself by the next day and now we were playing the waiting game with the girls. They had to start gaining weight before being allowed to go home. This was a challenge for my girls, especially because they were preemies and Violet wasn't feeding well at all. We stayed at the hospital for four more days after my emergency c-section because of Violet and her struggles with feeding and gaining weight. Fortunately, she gained enough weight (barely) to be able to go home and I finally felt like I was able to breathe. I will never forget the relief I felt when I took my first step outside that hospital and breathed in the icy air. Just knowing that we were going home filled my heart with warmth and joy.
Sadly, a few weeks after having S & V, postpartum depression hit me and it hit me real bad. I was in a real dark place for a few months. Nothing brought me joy, not even my family which really hurts to say it out loud. I have never experienced that in my life and I pray to God that I never will. My doctor prescribed me anti-depressants, but that only made my panic attacks 100x worse and I would have moments of aggression (never towards my family). It was more towards myself. I called the suicide prevention hotline twice and I will forever be grateful to the young lady who listened to me the second time I called. She saved me. It makes me so sad that I was this way during the first months of my girls life. I wish I could have been more joyful. My doctors say that it was a chemical imbalance and my twins pregnancy is what triggered it. I am just so glad that it's over and it's behind me. I want to say thank you to my husband, my parents, my sister, my brother, and three of my friends Rachel, Sara, and Erin for getting me through that very dark time of my life. I am thankful to God. He always saves me. Even more-so, I am grateful for my beautiful daughters, they were the ones who ultimately got me through that. Their smiles and their being filled me with purpose.
Seven and a half months later, I can happily say that I am feeling more like myself with each passing day. I meditate everyday and I write in my journal. I call or text my mother everyday. I call my sister when I have an extra 10 minutes to spare. I watch my favorite shows This is Us and Dancing with the Stars, and now I am typing away my story. I do things that make me happy and I only surround myself with people who want that for me. I don't have the time or the energy to have people in my life who have shown negativity or created negative situations towards my family or directly to me. I didn’t realize it with Emma or maybe I was oblivious to it, but I know now who truly cares for my family and for my well being and those who don’t and I am okay with those changes, those drifts between friends and family. They all happen for a reason and you learn valuable lessons from them as well.
I know my story is not a good one or a happy story. I wish I could have been typing a beautiful birth story about my twins, but unfortunately, that wasn't my situation. I hope that by sharing my story, I bring hope to those who need it. I pray for all the Momma's that are expecting and for all the women that are already Momma's, in any shape or form. Our bodies are something else man, they are miraculous and so incredible when it comes to making life and carrying them for the time that we do. I also want to say that I am here for you, anyone who just needs an ear to listen. I won't say a word if you don't want me to. You are never alone.
I always like to end my stories on a good note/vibe and here is a picture of my girls. The ones who bring joy to my life everyday. I love you with all my being.
With love,
Ale
Friday, January 18, 2019
Things that Emma say.
As a mother, I try to journal and write moments down so I never forget them, but I have been getting lazy as of recent and I need to start making a little more time for them. These are the moments that brought a smile to my face or tears. Moments that make me so happy and grateful to be Emma's "Mommy". Emma is now 2 years and 3 months old and the things that she says sometimes makes me think she is wiser beyond her years which brings me great worry once I start thinking of her teenage years. God help me...
As I was lying on the couch the other night and exposing my belly to message it a bit, Emma comes by from where she was playing and says "No, Mommy, Noooo" as she takes my shirt and pulls it down to cover my belly again.
She makes kissy sounds to call for Dexter and she learned this from Kevin. One morning when she woke up from her nap, she started to make kissy sounds and calling for "Mommy". "Mommy (kissy sound effects for 10 seconds), Mommy, come here." I am now her pet.
We were leaving our home to run some errands and she waves to the house and says, "Bye Casita" which means "bye House" and then she says, "see you later!"
I was getting her bowl of cereal ready before bedtime and she runs to the kitchen while I am getting the corn flakes and she comes up to me and says, "Mommy, cookie?" and I said to her, "No, Emma. No cookies tonight. You can have corn flakes with milk" and then she runs back to the living room and says, "ooookkkkaaaaayyy." I like her determination.
She has about 25 stuffed animals in her basket in her room and every night, she gives each toy a kiss on the forehead and calls it by its name when she tells it good night.
I was getting dressed a few weeks ago for a baby shower that my mom planned for me. I wore a dress and when Emma saw me walk out with a dress, she said to me, "Mommy, cuuuuutteeee" and touched my dress.
The other day it was raining when we were leaving daycare and she looked up at the sky and said, "it's raining, hi Rain!"
Sometime last week when we were driving, she looks out the window and says with a confused tone, "Mommy, Christmas lights?" I had to tell her that Christmas has passed, but it will come back this year in December and then all the Christmas lights will come out again and she said, "Bye, Christmas lights" almost with a tone of disappointment. I wish we could have Christmas all year round too, kid.
Emma wakes up the other morning and Kevin had already left the house. She asks me, "Mommy, Daddy working?"She is so smart and knows his schedule all too well.
The other evening I caught her crawling which she hasn't done in quite sometime, so I ask her, "Emma, are you a baby crawling?" and she gets up and starts pretending to cry like a baby "waahhh, wahhh, waaaah." LOL.
Anytime I transition from story time to bed time, I ask her "Okay, Emma, ready for bed?" and her response is always, "Nooooo, Mommy" and in the most lady like voice I've ever heard. She's not being rude, just direct "Noooo, Mommy."
She counted to ten about two weeks ago. Then, in Spanish, she says, "Uno, dos, tres, tres, cinco, Ten!" We are working on that. LOL.
She smelled Kevin's feet the other day and said, "Eww Daddy, stinky feet!" It was hilarious.
Sometimes she wants to lay on me and will make herself comfortable as she uses my belly as an obstacle course, so I tell her to be careful with baby sisters and she says, "sorry baby sisters".
We have a playpen in our room and she often transfers to the playpen anytime between 11 and 4 in the morning. She has to wake up with us. We have not been able to get her to sleep a full night in her bed, but I am okay with it now. She's only little for a short period of time and I know there will come a day where I will miss that. Anyway, she farted pretty loudly and right after she farts she said, "Sorry Mommy!" I couldn't help but laugh.
She ate all of her dinner last week without one battle (dinner time has been a battle lately) and I praised her and said, "Emma, you ate all of your food. You are such a big girl" and she lifted her arms in the air and said, "I am a big girl, yaaaay!"
She was playing with her toys in the living room and I thought she was distracted enough so I quickly went to the bathroom and once I am sitting I hear her tiny feet running towards me. She comes inside and says to me, "Mommy, poop?" and I told her I was using the restroom and I will be right out and she says "Okay!" and plops down and sits down and waits until I am done. LOL. No privacy AT ALL.
These moments with her flash in a speed of light. I wish I could remember them all and store them forever. She is becoming a little adult and I just can't believe it. Motherhood has never made me more tired and yet so full of love and joy. I can burst.
With love,
Ale
As I was lying on the couch the other night and exposing my belly to message it a bit, Emma comes by from where she was playing and says "No, Mommy, Noooo" as she takes my shirt and pulls it down to cover my belly again.
She makes kissy sounds to call for Dexter and she learned this from Kevin. One morning when she woke up from her nap, she started to make kissy sounds and calling for "Mommy". "Mommy (kissy sound effects for 10 seconds), Mommy, come here." I am now her pet.
We were leaving our home to run some errands and she waves to the house and says, "Bye Casita" which means "bye House" and then she says, "see you later!"
I was getting her bowl of cereal ready before bedtime and she runs to the kitchen while I am getting the corn flakes and she comes up to me and says, "Mommy, cookie?" and I said to her, "No, Emma. No cookies tonight. You can have corn flakes with milk" and then she runs back to the living room and says, "ooookkkkaaaaayyy." I like her determination.
She has about 25 stuffed animals in her basket in her room and every night, she gives each toy a kiss on the forehead and calls it by its name when she tells it good night.
I was getting dressed a few weeks ago for a baby shower that my mom planned for me. I wore a dress and when Emma saw me walk out with a dress, she said to me, "Mommy, cuuuuutteeee" and touched my dress.
The other day it was raining when we were leaving daycare and she looked up at the sky and said, "it's raining, hi Rain!"
Sometime last week when we were driving, she looks out the window and says with a confused tone, "Mommy, Christmas lights?" I had to tell her that Christmas has passed, but it will come back this year in December and then all the Christmas lights will come out again and she said, "Bye, Christmas lights" almost with a tone of disappointment. I wish we could have Christmas all year round too, kid.
Emma wakes up the other morning and Kevin had already left the house. She asks me, "Mommy, Daddy working?"She is so smart and knows his schedule all too well.
The other evening I caught her crawling which she hasn't done in quite sometime, so I ask her, "Emma, are you a baby crawling?" and she gets up and starts pretending to cry like a baby "waahhh, wahhh, waaaah." LOL.
Anytime I transition from story time to bed time, I ask her "Okay, Emma, ready for bed?" and her response is always, "Nooooo, Mommy" and in the most lady like voice I've ever heard. She's not being rude, just direct "Noooo, Mommy."
She counted to ten about two weeks ago. Then, in Spanish, she says, "Uno, dos, tres, tres, cinco, Ten!" We are working on that. LOL.
She smelled Kevin's feet the other day and said, "Eww Daddy, stinky feet!" It was hilarious.
Sometimes she wants to lay on me and will make herself comfortable as she uses my belly as an obstacle course, so I tell her to be careful with baby sisters and she says, "sorry baby sisters".
We have a playpen in our room and she often transfers to the playpen anytime between 11 and 4 in the morning. She has to wake up with us. We have not been able to get her to sleep a full night in her bed, but I am okay with it now. She's only little for a short period of time and I know there will come a day where I will miss that. Anyway, she farted pretty loudly and right after she farts she said, "Sorry Mommy!" I couldn't help but laugh.
She ate all of her dinner last week without one battle (dinner time has been a battle lately) and I praised her and said, "Emma, you ate all of your food. You are such a big girl" and she lifted her arms in the air and said, "I am a big girl, yaaaay!"
She was playing with her toys in the living room and I thought she was distracted enough so I quickly went to the bathroom and once I am sitting I hear her tiny feet running towards me. She comes inside and says to me, "Mommy, poop?" and I told her I was using the restroom and I will be right out and she says "Okay!" and plops down and sits down and waits until I am done. LOL. No privacy AT ALL.
These moments with her flash in a speed of light. I wish I could remember them all and store them forever. She is becoming a little adult and I just can't believe it. Motherhood has never made me more tired and yet so full of love and joy. I can burst.
With love,
Ale
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